The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.