Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.