DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters