Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
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Accurate
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me in tagged photos
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me buying fruit and veg
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️