interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.