[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
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My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
The Book. The Movie.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Rooting for the overdog
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.