Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
my first dose meeting my second
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.