[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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Plant care tips
This is my emotional support knife.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
only 11 steps left
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.