I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??