Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop