Dance like you’re not the father
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.