“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You Might Also Like
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
🤣🤣
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug