*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’m too immature for adultery.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
cyclists
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Respect
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.