I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
You Might Also Like
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Brb my Sims are getting married
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.