I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
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Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
HBO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆