In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
nobody’s gonna understand
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)