My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
scares
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”