Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
starting a garage orchestra
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank