SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
subtitles are so good nowadays
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site