soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Thursday Thought.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
People buying plungers never look happy.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.