My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God