A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?