The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.