[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Netflix and you sit over there.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.