the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
how to market bottled water to dads
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
WTF IS THAT!
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed