I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Me trying to “trust the process”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.