I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
You Might Also Like
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Important
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
a lot to unpack here
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…