ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling