3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
You Might Also Like
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
bad news gang
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training