If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.