Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train