Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Not helping
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
sistine chapel
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.