5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Noah
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course