What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
*praying for world peace*
God:
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I had to Stop for this
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.