[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.