My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
You Might Also Like
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Strange
We like the way Dwight thinks
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*