Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm