I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
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