My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.