Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.