do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Breaking news:
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine