Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
went fishing caught a bass
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years