I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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Cherry seeds are just the pits.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.