I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.