Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Traveler’s camo
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
So creative 😂