It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
writer: it鈥檚 based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there鈥檚 a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Breaking news:
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Everyone hates millennials until it鈥檚 time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
There鈥檚 so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I鈥檓 a bit rusty
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium