KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
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im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business