Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Botany good plants lately?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.