I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
That’s incredible! 👌
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Everyone’s family
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.