[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*